Merry Xmas, Wonder Woman!
by FauxLo
Summary: Experiencing it for the first time, Wonder Woman hears horrifying revelations about Christmas. She is forced to either come forward with the truth or let Zeus' actions continue unchecked.
1. Chapter 1

Merry Xmas, Wonder Woman!

Washington D.C.

December 6, 1941

Yeoman Diana Prince was heading for her apartment, on foot, with the U.S. Air Force Base in the distance. It was extremely cold, but not cold enough to snow. Diana felt invigorated and allowed herself to get lost in thought on her way home. The Princess was still getting acclimated to the culture of the United States of America when December crept up on her. She very much enjoyed the Thanksgiving holiday; the spirit behind it and the practice of being thankful. Though Man's World has been shocking and often disappointing, it had a way of winning her over in the most surprising ways.

Halfway home, she finally noticed that the very festive decorations throughout the city seemed to be tied together by a red and green theme. It reminded her of Heralia - a winter celebration created by Hera for the Amazons. As images of her youth began to conjure themselves in her mind, the clanging of a very loud bell, by yet another old, bearded, fat man in a red and white suit brought her back to reality. This is the first of the men in red and white garb who happened to be on the same side of the street as her, so she decided to find out what he was doing.

Upon her approach, the man said, "Ho, HO, HOOO young lady! Merry Christmas! Care to donate to the orphan-fund so we can buy Christmas presents for the kids in the orphanage?"

Diana, dismissing the fact that she centuries older than this man, had her curiosity piqued and asked, "What is... Christmas? And what organization does your uniform represent?"

The man scrunched up his face, uncertain that he understood her questions, responded with, "Huh?"

Diana, sensing a conversation with this man to be exhausting, decided to give it one more shot before continuing on her way. "What... Is... Christmas?"

The man grimaced and said, "C'mon lady. If you don't want to donate, then don't. 'What is Christmas?' Who doesn't know what Christmas is? Were you born under a rock or something?"

Thoroughly confused, Diana decided she needed answers in the off chance that someone on the base should wish to discuss a Christmas-related matter. She was positive that she misused popular phrases when speaking with Etta or Major Trevor and needed to correct her ignorance on the matter immediately. She said, "I live nearby, so let me retrieve some money for you. Wait for me at the entrance to this alley. I shall not be long."

Perking up at the prospect of collecting more money, the man said, "Sure thing, Miss."

Diana traveled down the alley and out of sight, checked that the coast was clear and transformed into Wonder Woman. With the man's back to her, so lassoed the man and led him to a private doorway in the alley.

"So tell me. What is Christmas?"

The man, bound by the Golden Lasso of Truth, felt compelled to answer with complete honesty, "It is the day of the year when Jesus Christ was born to the world."

"Jesus Christ?"

"Yes, the Son of God."

"Which god?"

"The one true God. The Alpha and The Omega."

Diana found this answer amusing. "How long ago was he born?"

"Almost nineteen-hundred, forty-one years ago."

Diana's eyes widened. "So he's the reason your people began counting the years when you did. Interesting. So where is he now?"

"In Heaven."

"How often does he come back?"

"Only once. He resurrected shortly after he died for the sins of the world and has not returned since."

Diana, still puzzled, asked, "When did he die?"

"I'm not sure - I haven't read The Bible in its entirety yet," replied the man.

Diana imagining an enormous tome then asked, "When did you start reading this Bible?"

The man replied, "I've read passages from it every so often throughout my life, but I have never respected my religion enough to actually read The Bible from cover-to-cover. I am like many Christians: wishy-washy."

Diana, hearing references made to a book called 'The Bible' several times before today, finally asked, "Where can I access The Bible?"

The man pointed to the church. Diana recognized that it was a temple of sorts, but prior to leaving Paradise Island, Queen Hippolyta forbade Diana to worship in the temples of America. "They represent a cruel and dishonorable joke that Zeus played on Man's World." Diana, able to justify entering the church only to study The Bible and not worship, was satisfied with this line of questioning and proceeded to the next.

"What organization does your uniform represent?"

"It's a Santa costume," said the man.

"What is a Santa?"

"Santa Claus is the magical man that lives at the North Pole and comes on Christmas to deliver the presents that his elves make in their workshop to the good little boys and girls on his sleigh led by flying reindeer."

"So you're collecting money to purchase the toys from him?"

"No. I'm collecting money to buy toys for the children of the orphanage."

"Why doesn't Santa Claus deliver toys to them?"

"Because he's not real."

Diana scoffs, "What do you mean he's not real? You just told me that he's magical and lives at the Northern Pole with toy-making elves and flying reindeer!"

The Santa Imposter replied, "That's what we tell children to get them to behave."

"So you lie to the children."

"Yes."

Diana, rolling her eyes and now irritated, instructed the man to forget their conversation and to return to his begging.

Transforming back into her military garb, she marched right over to the church and entered. Thinking that The Bible would be somewhere central for easy access, she headed to the alter at the front of the church, but before she could reach it, she noticed every row of benches had a shelf behind it with identical books shelved there. Upon each book was printed: The Holy Bible. As if she were in the library of her palace, she strolled off with a copy having every intention of returning it after she'd read it through. She figured that should could easily read the entire book in a six- or seven-hour sitting. It wasn't even close to being as big as she'd initially thought. How could there be so many followers to a religion that haven't read this book in its entirety, when the book is so thin to begin with?

Back at her apartment, for hours, she had been devouring the pages of The Holy Bible. She found it all fascinating. The contradictions to itself and circular logic was quite amusing. She wondered if Steve Trevor subscribed to this way of thinking. She also had a greater understanding of why there was so much instability in Man's World.

It was still very dark outside by the time she had finished reading it all. Setting down the book, she realized what her mother meant when she told her about the temples in America and Zeus' cruel joke. She almost wanted to laugh at Man's World for being so clever at so much and yet so utterly foolish in terms of matters of great importance. Diana decided she would pray to Hera to bring away as many lost souls as she could from the temples of the false god.

After preparing for bed, Diana decided to kneel before her hidden alter to Hera, light the candles and pray.

"Great Hera, hear my prayer..." and before Diana could continue, Hera appeared and was standing behind her.

"Yes, my child?"

Diana's eyes flew open and the widest smile appeared on her face. "Great goddess, I am elated to see you." Athena and Hera would often interrupt Diana's prayers to share some time with the princess. They were invested in Diana and wanted to make sure their gifts in her were properly cultivated.

Hera smiling back at her, motioned for Diana to sit on the couch. As the goddess sat next to Diana, she said, "Perhaps I can clear up this matter for you by telling you a story about the gods of Olympus, a couple of naive kids named Joseficus and Maryl, and the birth of a few religions that are practiced today."


	2. Chapter 2

Hera knowing exactly where to begin her story let her words flow:

Thirty-four hundred years ago, the World of Man was a very different place. Not just technologically or hygienically, but the overall attitude. Gods were becoming less and less jealous and capricious. We discovered how to maintain our immortality without the prayers of men. We had solidified our greatness by anchoring ourselves into the stories of the stars and the history of mankind. We discovered new interests and new states of being and existence. All on Olympus were content, with the exception of one - Zeus.

Zeus' sense of humor has often been unkind. One day, noticing that no one in Egypt was praying to him, he decided to give them a reason to turn to him. He took the form of a wealthy merchant and compelled the ruling pharaoh to believe that enslaving the immigrant people would save his rule over Egypt. Losing interest in Egypt for the time being, Zeus let more than four hundred years of slavery pass before recalling his act. Still he received no prayers from that land across the sea. Posing as 'the one true god' Zeus gave his emissary, Moses, miraculous powers, including the ability to cause outbreaks of disease and destruction. Each time a plague happened, the pharaoh promised to let the Israelites go, but each time he changed his mind. Finally the pharaoh agreed to release them and Zeus had Moses order the Israelites to flee Egypt When he realized that there were over six-hundred thousand of them and not one had prayed to Zeus, during The Exodus, and still he was not vexed. He was finally enjoying the fruits of his labor. Since there was no actual rival god to challenge him, he decided to take the place of this new god and see what came from this game. He played an occasional mind-game with the mortals, fabricated a history for himself and man called Genesis, gave them commandments to live by and the Torah, tested their love and loyalty to him, and it fueled his power and ego.

Over a millennium had passed and Zeus was the father of a religion to himself without the other gods' knowledge, until the day that Poseidon sought out Zeus. It wasn't often that he visited his brother, as he preferred to keep to himself, but Poseidon did not like flying creatures (that he perceived to be spies for Zeus) that could travel deep into his seas and wished to discuss the intrusion. However, on this day, it just so happened that Zeus was Earth-bound. Poseidon was unwilling to wait for Zeus to return to Olympus and decided to follow him, where he discovered what his brother was doing. Being quite imaginative himself, Poseidon hatched a plan to embed himself into Zeus' religion. He didn't care about the affairs of men anymore, but he cared about what Zeus had and wanted his fair share of it.

Poseidon had many faithful fishermen who worshiped him, even though he had long since stopped listening for prayers addressed to him. They attributed their bountiful expeditions to his mercy and kindness. They were spread out over the coasts of the Mediterranean Sea and he needed a very devoted follower to execute his plan. Fortunately, it did not take him very long to find Joseficus, the son of a fisherman.

Joseficus was a young man with absolutely no love for the sea. Distraught over a life as a fisherman, like his father, Poseidon offered him a way out. Poseidon visited Joseficus, where the god promised the man fame for all time as a hero in legend, provided he leave his life behind and play the role that was set out for him telling no one of the god's involvement. Not needing even the briefest moment to decide, Joseficus accepted Poseidon's offer and was whisked away to the obscure province of Nazareth in a bubble under the water to avoid prying eyes. Little did he know that his every move was being watched. And not by just one pair of eyes, but by two pairs.

In Nazareth, Poseidon needed a girl that could be manipulated as easily as Joseficus and fearful enough of his powers, so that she never exposed his plot. He found his next pawn in the form of a girl named Maryl. Poseidon planned to impregnate her with himself, while Joseficus publicly bore witness to the immaculate conception. By the time Zeus found out about Poseidon's activities it would be too late. Zeus could either expose himself as an imposter-god leading his followers to hate him or allow Poseidon to be the Son of God and they could then share the devotion.

Aphrodite being the beautifully vain, sweetly ill-tempered, and easily offended goddess that she is did not want her current lover impregnating any mortal without her expressed permission. And though she is married to Hephaesus and frequently unfaithful to her husband, she demands loyalty from all of her lovers. So before Poseidon can have the mortals married to one another, Aphrodite compels Joseficus to fill the sleeping Maryl with his child through her powers of lust and love, unbeknownst to Maryl. As the baby is in its initial stage of conception, Aphrodite then protects the unborn boy, so that Poseidon will sense a demigod in Maryl's womb, leaving Poseidon to assume that Zeus has foiled the sea god's plan. Poseidon would not dare murder the son of Zeus himself, Aphrodite reckoned, and her involvement in thwarting Poseidon's agenda would never be traced back to her.

Feeling detoured and far from defeated, Poseidon pursued his goal. He would wait for Zeus' bastard to be born, deliver it to Olympus for the Fates to raise and take the place of the demigod. However, nothing went according to plan. Poseidon shifted the brightest star in his constellation to the Nazareth skyline to signal the wise men's summoning. Zeus, noticing the repositioned star and the stirring in Nazareth, summoned Poseidon to court for questioning. As Poseidon was being interrogated, he realized that Zeus knew nothing of his plot and that the demigod he sensed inside of Maryl belonged to another. Poseidon skillfully dodged and deflected the questions from Zeus, returned the wayward star to its home in the sky and bid his brother a hasty farewell.

Hades, ever mindful of all activities near his only connection away from the depths of the Underworld, his beloved planet Pluto, felt the gravitational shift Neptune generated in moving Poseidon's star. He decided it was time to ask a favor from a god that only a few on Mount Olympus even knew was a god. Bubo, the god of wisdom, who is often perched on the shoulder of Athena, in the form of an owl. Hades, not able to use Hermes as a messenger like the other gods, had to make the trip to Olympus to converse with Bubo. Upon Hades unnoticed arrival to Mount Olympus, he found Bubo perched on a branch in his favorite tree. Before Hades could utter a word, Bubo took his true form, walked up to Hades and whispered, "I know why you're here."

Bubo, always thinking ahead, liked doing favors for Zeus, Poseidon and me (Hera) from time-to-time. One day, when he really wants something, no one would dare deny him his request. The only one he does favors for, without expectations of reciprocation, is Athena. He adores her and treasures her companionship, as she does him. So when Bubo saw an opportunity to barter information for a marker from the Lord of the Underworld, he jumped at it. To be owed a debt from Hades is arguably more valuable than being owed a favor from Zeus. Bubo, the only god with a clear picture of the antics of Zeus, Poseidon and Aphrodite had extremely valuable news to share. He had not meant to eavesdrop, but his perch in Olympus Hall, above the viewing portal of the Earth, was not a location to which the other gods paid attention. And in hushed tones, in a secluded part of a remote garden on Mount Olympus, Bubo began negotiations with Hades. What Bubo got from Hades, we may never know, but what Hades did with Bubo's information affected the entire world.


	3. Chapter 3

As the goddess told the princess the history of Christmas and the births of two new religions, perched on the window ledge of Diana's apartment was an owl. Though the window was closed, the owl passed through the glass as if nothing were there at all. At the mention of his name, during Hera's tale, he took on his true form and announced himself.

"Hera, my love, you are certainly no Fate. What kind of story is that?"

Hera laughed. "You're welcome to take this tale and fly with it, Bubo."

"Greetings Princess."

"Hello Wise Bubo. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise," said the god. "So I told my story to the god of the Underworld for an Exit Token from Hades."

"He gave you an Exit Token?" spat out Hera, as Diana stared at Bubo wide-eyed.

Bubo was hoping for that reaction. "Each of his brothers were keeping gargantuan sized secrets from one another that was tied directly to their power. Of course, I drove a hard bargain. You never know when you'll want to pull someone out of the underworld to make life interesting and fun. As I was saying, I accepted my special token, restoring the body and life of one soul for the price of one very informative story filled with precious secrets."

Settling into the chair across from the occupied couch, the god of wisdom took up the tale, where Hera left off:

Hades, armed with knowledge that neither of his brothers had, could finally get what was denied to him - love from mankind. Positive energy to feed his essence was within his reach finally. Of the gods, he was the only one that was a scavenger for immortality. His plan was to extort man's devotion from his brothers by allowing his brothers' respective plans to move forward unhindered. First, he went to Poseidon and falsely confessed that the child Maryl carried was his own and that Poseidon could take the child's place at birth, as long as Poseidon acknowledged an existence of a Holy Ghost, which would be Hades' spiritual identity. The two brothers were satisfied with this arrangement. Hades vowed never to be cheated by Zeus again. Being the Lord of the Underworld has only fed Hades' disgust for Zeus over the ages. Now he would be vindicated. But he would have to gamble with his existence like never before, if he were to be successful. He released his immortality for the added god-power that would be required to execute his plan.

The next step in Hades' plan was to father a religion of his own. In order to do that, he'd need the watchful eye of Poseidon to be distracted. Poseidon may have agreed to the terms of their arrangement, but he was no fool. The sea god's spies were probably dispatched the moment they parted company, no doubt, just as they had been ever watchful of the couple he had hidden inland in Nazareth. Hades decided that Zeus need only remain in the dark to Poseidon's activities a short while longer. For the time being, he transformed himself into a shining, translucent white orb and visited the Nazareth-bound wisemen as he could find them introducing himself as the Holy Ghost and redirected them to the south passed Jerusalem to welcome the son of the one true god. Afterwards, he restored three underworld souls: a man and a woman and her unborn child. The woman was re-empregnated with the baby, each body given its soul, but Hades made the man and woman appear as identical replacements for Joseficus and Maryl. His minions distracted Poseidon's spies while he then visited Joseficus and Maryl disguised as Poseidon himself. He gave the couple the new identities of Joseph and Mary, and ordered them to take part in the Census of Quirinius in Bethlehem in order to remain hidden from Zeus. The couple traveled south, unaided by Hades, and were replaced in Nazareth by Hades' dopplegangers.

When Maryl, now Mary, went into labor, Hades set his plan to motion. Pluto, like the Underworld, was not something that the gods of Olympus paid any attention to, so when Hades moved it to shine brightly above Mary in the Bethlehem skyline, it went unnoticed visually and gravitationally by the Olympians. (After all, Zeus told Hades it was a planet, but really it was just a wayward dwarfmoon that he demeaningly bestowed to Hades adding insult to injury after they defeated their parents, the Titans - another of Zeus' cruel jokes.) The brightest light in the sky now drew the nearby wisemen to Bethlehem. Then he paid a visit to an obscure fishing village where he broke the neck of an old fisherman, who was father to a missing young man, and threw him into the nearby sea. After that, he immediately made his way to Olympus Hall. Silence surrounded Zeus when Hades arrived and announced that he came across some remarkable information from the Underworld's newest arrival, oblivious to the seemingly sleeping owl overhead. With the soul of the old fisherman in the Underwold, no one would ever hear him contradict whatever Hades was about to tell Zeus. Before revealing any details to Zeus, Hades had made his brother promise not to implicate him as the source of this story, as Hades did not want to be forced to choose sides between his beloved brothers. Hades told Zeus that he was trusting him to be wise enough to diffuse the situation, so that it did not tear them apart. Left with no other choice but to take an oath of secrecy in order to hear such an ominous tale that could set him and Poseidon against one another, Zeus promised. Hades shared with his brother that an old fisherman claimed to have overheard a remarkable plot to supercede Zeus' efforts to manipulate mankind in a totally new scheme. The fisherman claimed that his son was approached by the sea god, Poseidon, to infiltrate Zeus' new upstart religion. When the young man refused to leave his father's side, the sea god sought the man's father in the next room and killed him to scare the young man into submission. Poseidon's proposed plan included moving his star to summon wisemen from parts all over to witness the birth of the one true god's son in Nazareth, who would actually be Poseidon's son, a demigod, allowing Poseidon to embrace the mantle of the one true god. Zeus, recounting the recent events and strange behavior of Poseidon, became enraged and soared to Nazareth to seek out Poseidon's son while Hades quietly restored Pluto to its standard orbit and shine.

Meanwhile in Bethlehem, a child was born to the greetings of hundreds of welcoming visitors. Many were wisemen from far and wide bearing gifts. Hades could feel his powers growing in a new and exciting way. He was embedded in man's history as the Holy Ghost who led the wisemen to the new born king. He knew that if he were patient, he would one day have enough power to rival that of Zeus.

Poseidon's hopes to keep Joseficus and Maryl hidden from Zeus in Nazareth failed miserably. Zeus, disguised as an old man, was able to track down the couple several hours after arriving in Nazareth. Little did he know that as he threw his lightning bolts at them, that he was killing imposters. Hades had promised the imposters a new chance at life - he never said it would be lasting. Had Zeus not allowed his rage to take on a life of its own after he located them, he may have left with valuable information. Unfortunately for him, he killed them quite hastily. As he made a smug departure for Olympus, Poseidon's spies were returning to the sea god to report that they had witnessed an old man kill the young expecting couple with bolts of lightning.


	4. Chapter 4

"Now Princess, I would continue this tale in full, but first I would have a favor from you," said Bubo.

Hera, wanting to hear the tale with all the details that she had missed, asked, "What sort of favor?"

"One day, I may want access to Tartarus. If I went through the Underworld to get there, Hades would have knowledge of it. The only other way there is through the gateway on Themyscira. Should the Princess allow me this small favor at my convenience, I would happily continue this story."

Diana sat silently. Then Hera spoke, "You know very well that the Amazons guard the gateway and are under my strict orders to keep it sealed."

"Precisely," responded Bubo. "Though I am not looking to advertise this favor, but in fact keep it between the three of us. Hades will be the only one to question my entrance into Tartarus without his detection. I can answer honestly: I entered when you weren't looking."

Diana finally spoke, "Who do you wish to free from Tartarus with your Exit Token?"

Bubo had a sad smile on his face. "My mother. She was a goddess who also chose to remain unexposed to the other gods. However, she couldn't evade the Titan's detection during the War for Olympus. When the time is right, I hope to set her free. I have Athena's support in this endeavor, but even with all our combined wisdom, over the ages we have never had an opportunity to advance with our plan until now."

Diana was moved. She couldn't imagine losing her own mother. Not ever. She always prepared to rule as queen because it was her mother's wish. But she assumed that immortality would allow her to remain a princess forever. She empathized with Bubo and wanted to aid in his quest in any way that she could.

"Okay. I'll do it. I will open the gateway to Tartarus for you when you're ready to retrieve your mother, if Hera permits."

Hera, never knowing Bubo to lie or create mischief and knowing the closeness of his and Athena's relationship first hand, accepted his revelation as truth.

Interpreting Hera's reluctance to answer as a prelude to denial of his request, Bubo added, "She prefers the form of a white dove. I know the two of you would get on famously because you have the same sense of humor."

Hera grinned, "Olympus is never to know of this, Bubo. Never."

"Agreed, my queen."


End file.
